Larry and Deb Ward and their adopted son Carter.
Many people take for granted that they’ll meet the ‘one’, get married, have children and follow that common life path that many of us do.
This story reveals one couple’s journey toward parenthood; the joy, pain and disappointment they endured to finally become parents.
Deb Ward, a lifetime resident of Scugog is one of the most remarkable people you’d ever have the pleasure of meeting. She is warm, friendly and unbelievably talented in so many ways. She can make a dress, weave a basket, create stained glass works of art or create a piece of furniture. She also makes a mean apple pie.
But something eluded her... motherhood.
She and her husband, Larry, met a little later in life than most. “I found him late” she jokes. But their similar interests and desire to have a family brought them to marriage in 1999.
“We suffered five miscarriages” Deb says sadly. The dream of giving birth to a child faded but the hope of adoption began to glimmer brightly. They knew they wanted to become parents but faced numerous roadblocks while pursuing that dream.
The wait list was more than two years with the Children’s Aid Society and she felt they were often overlooked and discriminated against because they were in their early forties at the time.
These challenges brought them to a Toronto-based organization called “Mission of Tears” and in 2002 they began the formal adoption process, including numerous home studies and mountains of paperwork and red tape. Within nine months however, they were on their way to an orphanage in the Ukraine to meet children awaiting adoption.
It may not be widely known that many parts of the Ukraine struggle with profound poverty, unemployment, homelessness and isolation. This leads to any given time there are more than 30,000 orphaned children.
Deb and Larry were understandably anxious and excited at the prospect of becoming parents - almost more than they could bear. They arrived in the capital city of Kiev on a cold, snowy Friday - shocked by both the beauty of the vintage architecture and the crumbling infrastructure that surrounded it.
The following morning they were taken for their first visit to the city’s adoption centre where they were shown dozens of ratty binders stuffed with photos of parentless children.
An elderly man, who spoke little English, guided Deb and Larry to a small dusty room where they viewed many photos.
While there, the old man repeatedly gestured to one particular file, stating repeatedly “healthy boy, healthy boy”.
There were a number of orphanages filled with children, but this healthy boy was both available and located in one of the closer facilities, a mere two hours away.
Deb and Larry had been informed prior to their arrival that they would likely be adopting a boy, as girls tend to be more desirable in their culture. Females tend to work in industries that provide more of an economic asset, as well as caregiving and duties within the home.
Sadly, many, many little boys are not only orphaned but homeless in the Ukraine and are often found begging on the streets.
Two days after arriving, on January, 12, 2003, they met Mikola for the first time - cherubic 14 month-old with bright blue eyes, soft blond hair and a smile that melted their hearts.
Cautious and unsure at first the young boy clung to the only family he knew, the caregivers at the orphanage, who cared for far too many children and thus had no time to respond to cries, cuddle or play with the rooms full of babies.
The large rooms contained 15 babies in each, confined in three pens with five babies in each one, all on top of a concrete floor with a single blanket. There were no cribs, even for the infants.
Despite his age, ‘Kola’ had only just begun walking, typical for institutionalized children. He had spent 13 months of his young life within the institutions walls; having been left by a single teen mom when he developed pneumonia.
In amazing irony, the woman that gave birth to this child worked in a textile mill, and the woman (Deb) that would become his mother is a seamstress.
He smiled coyly at his new visitors and quickly realized that he didn’t want them to leave, eagerly stretching his little arms out to them when they arrived and crying for them when they left.
They visited the boy daily, trudging two miles through snow and sleet on cobblestone roads to visit this young boy that was to become theirs. Deb delighted in dressing him in clothes she purchased at a local market and playing with the toys she and Larry brought him.
By the twelveth day, the adoption was finalized and the Wards were awarded custody. After arriving at a little orphanage in Pryluki the caregivers handed him to Deb, in his birthday suit, saying “mama, mama”.
The baby delighted in the return of his special visitors. Deb recalls that moment breathlessly, thinking “oh, they are giving him to me naked, like when he was born, except now he is mine.” In that moment, their lives forever changed and Mikola became Carter and the love of his mother’s life.
The process was arduous and agonizing, uncertain and stressful, often leaving them dazed. Deb related that that the whole process “felt like giving birth.”
Within four weeks, they were finally able to bring their son home to Scugog, where a large baby shower awaited them.
“Carter was natural, friendly, smiling and he even looked like us,” says Deb. There has never been a ‘secret’ about Carter’s origin. As he grew and began school, he began to question his mom about “growing in her tummy.”
Deb has always maintained a simple and honest approach to these inevitable questions. “We looked all over the world for you” and that he was theirs and that he was loved more than anything in the whole, wide world.
Deb kept a detailed journal of their adoption journey, complete with photos, which has helped Carter put the pieces together and answer some of the questions that arise from time to time.
The Wards are thankful to raise their son in a township as beautiful as Scugog and wouldn’t live anywhere else. “The people here are wonderful, focusing on happiness and peace, not things, not money. The surroundings are beautiful. We like to make so much from scratch and offer Carter so much, it’s perfect for us here”.
The message Deb and Larry want to share is a simple one. Their life has changed completely, their priorities have changed dramatically and their story shares a message of hope for other childless couples.
Adopted children should feel wanted and special, not discarded or different.
Carter was born in her heart and he need not ever question the depth of his parents love or dedication. Becoming parents taught them more about themselves and the world; taught them a patience and love they never knew existed and a happiness one cannot describe.
There are few places as perfect as Scugog to raise children, and through this amazing story we all can be reminded how blessed we are to have children in our lives.
By Tammy Horvath
Special to Focus on Scugog
Personalities
